on jackie

If you look at the pictures below, the one with the kid rocking a pumpkin outfit, you wouldn’t know. For instance, you wouldn’t know that in spite of appearances she’s not 3 months, she’s a year. You wouldn’t know that she’s had a really hard year, one like most of us thank God, have never had to endure. You also wouldn’t know that her parents astound me. They’re relentless in their faith. The family, collectively, treasures this little person more than I’ve seen anywhere else. Ever. You wouldn’t see us taking turns holding her, celebrating every minute victory (she gained 8oz!), or what happens to our insides when we realize that in spite of everything, she is, and will probably remain, really fragile. A few weeks ago, she dislocated her elbow. It was just her arm, not anything especially scary or traumatic. But she was helpless, and hurting, and she’s already been through so much. So we stood there, and cried along with her while the doctor popped it back into place.

I haven’t managed to give up on the hope that I’ll get to watch her grow up, even if statistically, the odds aren’t in her favor. This is my own form of denial, one that I’ll keep on living in, until circumstances force me out of it. I want her to have a future, even if that future looks dramatically different than I would’ve hoped for when I initially heard that baby #5 was on the way. The whole situation… the realization of just how much you can love someone and yet have no control over whether or not they stay or go, is both incredible and heartbreaking.